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Fear of losing your identity

You might find it surprising, but some people want to prove that they have an eating disorder because they think that it will make them stand out, special. Some don’t want to recover due to the fear of losing their "spark”.

“The longer you live with an eating disorder, the more your eating disorder behaviors are shaping your identity. At some point, your identity becomes so intertwined with your eating disorder that you believe it defines who you are. When I was in recovery my identity was so wrapped up in my eating disorder, that I was terrified and couldn’t imagine who I would be without it.” - Mirjam Mainland

Eating disorders don’t identify a person. Instead, they take away the personality, enjoyment from life. Sufferer slowly loses interest in the things that he/she enjoyed in the past. It is scary because suddenly there is a realization that nothing apart from food preoccupies the mind. Life becomes very bleak. The mind of a person with an eating disorder can’t think clearly as it is constantly distracted, unable to focus. This complication is known as “starved brain”, or cerebral atrophy. When a person doesn’t get adequate amount of nutrition regularly, especially vitamin B12, concentration and memory are affected. For teenagers particularly this is a critical problem as it influences their ability to study. Overall school performance might fall as knowledge can’t be processed very well and the mind can’t focus on learning.


Worse of all the person with an eating disorder becomes isolated. He/she doesn’t have the energy or desire to be around other people. It becomes tiring and boring. It seems as if the person with an eating disorder is slowly ceasing to exist in the real world without leaving any trace behind.


Thinking that choosing recovery means losing your identity is wrong. When the eating disorder initially develops it gradually takes away all the character traits.


In the past I was a happy child that was constantly smiling and laughing. But then after developing an eating disorder, I suddenly found myself to be a completely different person: irritable, isolated, and always sad. This was not my personality.


Eating disorders don’t define you. They do the exact reverse: strip you from your personality.


Recovery might seem scary, but it is so much worth it. Starting to explore yourself once again can be frightening. It does not happen overnight. It takes a lot of time. Our personalities continue to develop throughout the whole lives. There will be failures on the way, but also there will be successes. This is the essence of exploration. Observing and learning,

discovering, and drawing conclusion about what works and what doesn’t.

Trust me, choosing recovery also means choosing to regain back your identity and enjoyability of life. Energy to participate in activities, go out with friends and family, do things that bring you happiness. You will notice that people will be more attracted to you as you will become more fun to be around and not the sullen creature from the past.


This is exactly why the website is called “returningsmile”. While in the depths of the eating disorder happiness is something that seems unreal, but with every step towards recovery it can be noticed how the wide grin and the signature giggle occurs more and more often in everyday life.


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